Gena’S Blog: “Does Your People Picker Need Repair?”
Reflections of Dr. Clouds book “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping.” If you are single, divorced, widowed or know of someone who is seeking to be in a healthy dating relationship this is a must read. Are you divorced, Dr. Cloud says your “people picker is broken” and you need help to ensure the next potential mate is “A Date Worth Keeping.” This is also the book if you find you are attracting the wrong types of people. Julia Roberts in the movie Pretty Woman, “I am a bum magnet.” Given America's high divorce rate every adult should read or listen to this book so you can be an accountability person so your friends and family date well.
The author Dr. Henry Cloud is an experienced therapist and he begins by sharing poignant questions an enticing series of challenges. The tasks offer every person real life skills and results. Think of his first example as a pre-requisite. Imagine a “dating jeopardy questions” “what is one of the most adventuresome and exciting activities? What is the activity that singles get the least and often the worst training? What is one of the activities that can cause more angst and pain than anything else? What activity routinely has the most life altering consequences of all others? What activity is the most important and weightiest and yet about which the Bible is virtually silent?” The bittersweet truth is he is talking about the task of dating.
In the book, Dr. Cloud offered to become a dating coach to a colleague who in turn needs to agree to accept the weekly tasks. The book expresses the problem of dating and the solution. This bright outgoing staffer agrees to follow his mentoring as she complains of the lack of candidates. The process will produce results in 6 months. She learned the skills to attract and date many types of people and is now happily married. And no she did not “settle”and she did come to appreciate the process. The first task is to own the problem, you, and it's true source. For one month you must log every potential dater and email it weekly to your accountability person. Dr. Cloud was her accountability person.
He demands 3 requirements? “1. Meet a new man (woman) you have never met before. 2. Have enough interaction with you to ask you out. 3. They need enough information to ask you out.” (email to contact you). The purpose is not that you go on the dates yet just that you are engaging in face to face verbal conversations. The purpose is to see that you are in a rut in your dating situation and if you want to change that this book addresses the tasks to begin to to get unstuck. When we become aware of our role in the problem we begin to get motivated to fix it. You can know you have a problem and not desire to fix it. Like the joke about mental illness, to do the same thing and expect a new result is crazy.
Dr. Cloud addresses “I am waiting for God to bring... into my life.” He is playful and truthful. If you are waiting for the Fed X man or delivery person as your only option, keep waiting. It is your choice. So, how have they worked for you? He weaves in scriptures Matthew 6:25-34 and how the birds do not worry, God provides for them. Yes, and birds fly to actively seek those seeds or insects. He also sites Genesis 24:1-11. He did not settle and see each prospect as the only option. In the Bible Rebekah was the one to go above and beyond. She watered all his animals. Camels drink a lot of water. She worked hard for this stranger and her kindness was rewarded. This kindness was noticed by Jacob's people picker community. If you value your friends and family read/listen to this book. Notice people to suggest they meet and have some fun in the dating process. If your routines are not bringing in new dates “change the traffic pattern, go out with anyone once.” Finally, be safe and follow Dr. Cloud's strategy “from beginning, to middle, to end.” You are not allowed to be what he labels a “serial dater” meaning dating only one person at a time. Meet many people each week, and keep seeing people. This stage is about learning the process which builds interpersonal skills that will serve you for a lifetime. These skills are useful in all areas of your life. If fear is the elephant in your room called life; eat it one bit at a time, one date at a time. Take what you need and leave the rest.
We are to plant seeds in life in our work, in relationships and in our faith. When we seek we will find. If you are just waiting at home for God's gift to arrive rather than going into the community and meeting others. You are not helping your situation. I would say God gave you many gifts, explore and grow them, use them, don't bury them in the ground pining away at home. Dr Cloud advocates this and to be active doing things you enjoy. You will meet more potential dates, so plan events, vacations where other singles are. When you prepare to be the best You possible you are doing your part. If you are shy and the thought of going up to a stranger is a challenge, make a change. Go to some counseling for a few months. If you spend money on your education think of it like an investment to improve all of your relationships. The new skills you learn may raise your pay grade.
One thought he presented is to notice in life's laboratory how two equally attractive people like you can be at a party and one gets all the attention. We have all observed this. How the one has noticeably fewer conversations. This book is about noticing these dynamics. Be aware that every person has unconscious signals that say they are either not available or open to connection. This is your internal attitudes, and values that express themselves externally. Did you know the importance of smiling on the phone your joy comes through loud and clear. Test it.
We do not have the ability to change history. We can alter our present circumstances or our future. Dr. Cloud is gentle but direct in this truth to direct you to safety. When people have experienced abuse, or life challenges that occurred seek a licensed counselor. Also, if you have overwhelming fears, get some help. Your datelessness is not a permanent condition. Themes that continue to be stressed in the book are to be diligent, be active, and be fruitful. Look at all of the experiences of these dates as opportunities to grow.
Your dating is meant to be an activity for you to learn what you like in each person you encounter, as well as respond internally to what they bring out in you. See it as a fun adventure. “The purpose of dating is to date not to mate.” I think this is key. See the whole process to learn about people and not just to weed out the bad ones or to find a marriage partner. Dr. Cloud asks you to see lots of people. Even if you really like someone keep dating for 6 months. Dating teaches you about what you like and do not like in other potential people. It is all about the process.
When you see so many people you learn to be pro-social. Go ask all your friends to be on the look out for someone who is available so you can meet them. It is also about removing the social isolation that comes with datelessness. What is that unconscious negative vibe that you are giving off? Too shy? Too forward? What is the negative message you tell yourself to stop you from just going over to say hello to that interesting person over there? “I have really enjoyed chatting with you can we get coffee sometime? What is your email?” Yes be safe, meet in a public place. This is all a process. Notice your patterns and use that accountability person to help you in your self-evaluation. Maybe that is the key to this whole equation. Maybe people do not know how to choose a safe, mature accountability team. I suggest you join a small group at church or other reliable way to find a mature married couple.
Dr. Cloud’s process requires you log those 5 potential dates per week on paper. You do not start with dating them just tracking them and sharing that with let's call them your date coaches. Then you sit down and look at the reasons good and bad for the number of dates. Even a zero is OK. Talk, get unstuck. If you are not initiating in a non-threatening situation to strangers why? Keep asking and keep seeking new places to meet people. Get more ideas where singles go? Do not turn down invitations to go out to events or places. Do not prejudge people just go. Have fun. Be surprised by what you learn about each person you meet. In each date have a good time and serve others. Show them what a good person you are. Maybe they need to be treated well and need to be better off for having met you. See dating as a skill building time. What do you need to learn? Conflict resolution, how to say no? “See dating as an end in and of itself”...but as a place to learn to grow and experience, serve other people. It is my new lab of growth and experience.” I think the concept of viewing dating as a scavenger hunt is clever. Again this is not for the purpose of having sex.
Dr. Cloud understands that dating is also about the care of our heart needs. It is so important to “guard your heart. Proverbs 4:23” Growth happens when you do the healing work and take the time to move beyond the waiting and actively date for fun and grow your skills as you seek the right person. The”healing of your outside comes from the inside.” His thoughts, his words, “fear bears fruit,” express exactly what life is about. When we do not get what we want, choose to get busy and seek it. Dare to wonder about the process and what options you have not explored. This is about understanding; if your fears are at a 8/10 as frightening, you need to deal. Stop ignoring it and learn ways to put one toe in that pool and be safe. Dr. Cloud teaches a message of how you present yourself to others as “the work” that is what therapy is all about. If you need a few months of counseling take it, heal it and then get back out there and be alive. When you harness the boredom, that energy becomes the motivation for a solution; stuck has no chance.
Dr Cloud brainstorms with his colleagues to generate an endless list of ways to date, to meet people in a variety of settings. He sends you off to consider all the multiple ways you act, you think, your values, your body language, your voice, eye contact, posture, your willingness to initiate and respond. It is all of these that make you attractive to a potential date. When you are enjoying yourself on a date you are attractive to the type of person you desire to date. I can't say it enough. Your manners shine in the world of dating and life, and respect always matters. It is a timeless truth, we must always be kind.
So enjoy Dr. Cloud's book “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping” then share it with a friend. If you are in need of counselor to help you over the bumpy parts or begin this process. I am pausing couples work to focus on disordered eating.
Contact me at Restore Grace Counseling. Gena Hepworth LCSW. 970-352-6830.
