Greetings from Gena Hepworth LCSW at Restore Grace Counseling in Greeley Colorado.
Couples Counseling: Affair Prevention Blog:
All marriage partners grow and change over the course of their marriage. While change is a constant your individual perception of what emotional intimacy looks like can vary vastly. Couples can be flooded with questions: i.e., Does my partner still love me? If not what is my response? What does the distance mean to me? What does it say about us? Is there someone else? The distance may not mean anything inappropriate has happened. Take a deep breath. It is possible for each partner to feel safe despite these disconnections. Growth is normal for all people as individuals and as a couple. However, what is not normal is to turn away from your spouse. To just shut down. To avoid seeking a solution will not help you both get to a resolution. One key to prevention is remembering that anyone can have an affair. The only person who can truly prevent an affair is you.
The newly married often learn with a jolt two role misconceptions. First that husbands are not responsible to meet every emotional need of their wife. Second, all partners share in the tasks of the home and parenting. It is no longer normal for a husband to be the only wage earner. It is no longer healthy for dual income families to expect all house hold tasks to be completed by the wife. She may be the manager and schdule keeper, but even for homemakers both spouses are expected to work as a team on chores, parenting, and communication.
When problems arise each spouse is responsible to bring it up in a timely way. Waiting for the perfect moment may feel like secret keeping. Try “I have something to talk about today. It would take about 15 minutes.” Try not to have these conversations if you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. But don’t use this to avoid conversations. When things are put off until the next day they often become harder to bring up. Just like a lie. Notice when you feel times of disconnection and learn to ask questions. Be open to hear what your part si and be open to listening to solutions. The first step is to recognize there is a problem. Then, take steps to review with your spouse what you see happening. Attitude makes a world of difference. If you say “I noticed ….” “I was wondering if you felt that same tension”. What do you think it might be about? “When I said ……it felt to me like you understood…….” Be thoughtful of how and what you say. Know that you might be giving the wrong signals to the opposite sex.
Tips for Affair Prevention Mindset:
1. Review your boundaries. Don’t be naïve. You need to set the limits for you and your marriage. Review touch and if you should give full body hugs, when and how you kiss, hold hands, and your eye contact. Be active in setting limits.
2. Find a core group of same sex men/women you know with morals and values you esteem. Keep regular accountability with them. Discuss situations so you are not giving or receiving “come on” signals. Discuss strategies to protect your marriage.
3. Respect your spouse. Do not share your “dirty laundry” in public. Be your spouse’s biggest fan. Never share marital issues with the opposite sex. Always bring up the issues you have in a private location and use the HALT awareness. (ensure spouse is not hungry, angry, lonely, tired) Alert your spouse you have an important 15 minute conversation today.
4. Create a buzz word or phrase for no questions asked. If you are out and your spouse says “tide pool” you trust that some element of the interaction with a person of the opposite sex has triggered your partner’s radar and it is time to tactfully leave or integrate the spouse into the situation.
5. Share your concerns with your spouse. Get their feedback. Our partners are intuitively aware of potential trouble long before we are. They notice the sublet signals that members of the opposite sex are giving off. Don’t argue. Just excuse yourself change the topic.
6. Romance your spouse. Be grateful to them. Give them daily compliments even when things are tough. “I appreciate….”
7. Pray the scriptures. Look up Psalm 1. Print it out. Fill in your spouse’s name and pray it daily. Believe that they can become the man/woman God has for them to be. Bless them.
8. Pray every day together holding hands for 30seconds to a minute. This is not a long prayer just one item. This is as you are about to leave for the day. Each of you needs to state something for which you are praying. It gives the other a sense of where your head and heart are for that day. Then kiss their palms and say “I bless the work or ministry of your hands.” AMEN. You do not need to be a Christian to pray.