A Blog Review of “What Daters Want” An article from Psychology Today.
Psychology today's Jan/Feb 2020 article on “What Daters Want.” Can you guess the top of the eight noted traits? Just do it Guess. Many of the traits you will know but maybe not this one. The study reflected on 8 traits: physical attractiveness, good financial prospects, humor, chastity, religiosity, desire for children, creativity, and ... Imagine the drum roll, the most valued is... kindness. The study was composed of nearly 2500 people. An additional point of these dating men and women is that they devoted 22-26% of their budgets to this trait of kindness. Maybe there is something to be said for follow the money trail. We spend time and money on things things and people we value. Despite not sharing incomes levels of the participants in the study, the result of kindness does reflect the hearts and authenticity of a person.
From a Christian worldview I think this might be compared to a person's fruit. As in the fruits of the spirit are love, joy peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Galatians 5:22-26. At Restore Grace Counseling of adults, I see the trait of kindness speaks to being open and willing to share. Notice in your relationships how you can receive care when you are not guarding your heart from prior life challenges or a relationship disappointment. When you are feeling self-confident you are not guarding our heart or our resources. This study indicates greater generosity. I submit that time spent or tasks for others is a resource. When we are anxious, depressed or lacking confidence we do not project our best face to a potential date.
“Kindness is really important, and it transcends cultural boundaries, says lead author Andrew Thomas of Swansea University.” A key insight in this study is the message that both Eastern and Western cultures affirm the top three traits of kindness, attractiveness and finances. It is no surprise to me that traits for making families, reproduction are not culturally bound but universal. I appreciate that no matter where I call home the value of civility and kindness has meaning. Hats off to parents who were able to focus on manners. This is valued as well as the free things one can do that express kindness like holding a door.
If you are seeking to find your future spouse or life companion I suggest you continue to become the best You possible. At Restore Grace Counseling I work with adults in whatever phase of life they happen to be single seeking, divorced, premarital and married. The big and small struggles of life teach us something. The joys and the pains. If you find that you are holding back, that fear is keeping you stuck in a lonely swirl, consider coming into counseling. If your spouse is reluctant come in alone and as you focus just on yourself they may see the hope, the change, the reduced tension and be willing to join you. Sports have seasons and so can growing your relationship skills be a season. Think about it as your season for self-care and personal growth. Couples counseling is really learning the tools you need for both the now and your future. Most people can use a few new tools to better assist them before the crisis of the decade arrives.
Maybe you are considering getting married. One of the best ways to prepare for a fulfilling marriage is to learn how to cope with stress, to communicate clearly, or to use problem solving skills and of course to have “the money talk.” I challenge you to consider the trait of kindness the gift you give yourself. Be brave, be understood as well as to understand those in your life or that future someone.
So if you find that you are running into relationship gridlock, I encourage you to come into counseling for a tune up. I offer a free face to face consult. Contact me. Gena Hepworth at Restore Grace Counseling. Call 970-352-6830.